to be an artist, or not to be an artist?

That is the question that has haunted me my whole life...

A young girl wearing a cute apron plays with colourful pastel paints on a canvas, making quite a mess. Photo by Jonathan Borba.

I'm 23 years old, and earlier this year, I decided to upskill and do a digital marketing course after completing my journalism degree and being faced with a fierce, relentless job market. Rejection after rejection led to many nights full of tears, anger, and frustration, and it has really made me deeply consider what I want out of life and a career.

When I was little, I dreamed of being an artist. I spent all my time after school drawing. It was one of the only things that brought me joy and helped me express myself as an introverted child. And then somewhere along the way, that dream got diluted. First, it became an interior designer, or a fashion designer, then a teacher, then a writer, then a journalist, or most recently, a content creator. While all of these are perfectly fine creative avenues that I continue to enjoy, choosing just one never felt completely right to me.

Thinking about it, this topic reminds me of the wholesome clips from those American graduation ceremonies for preschoolers. The cutest little kid will come up to the mic, all confident, and declare to the audience what they want to be when they grow up. Some of the answers seem ridiculous: "a witch", "a doughnut baker", "a YouTuber", "a monster truck driver", "Spice Girls" are just some examples of the wild things I've heard. But aren't these answers just a reflection of an innocent child's true interests and desires, before their dreams get slowly crushed by a capitalistic world that sucks out whimsy and joy and replaces it with 'drive' and hustle culture? There is no room for dreams in this world. Or that's what they'll have you believe.

By the time I reached college, I was so focused on finding a way to make my creativity "employable" that I lost sight of what it is that I truly desire. But when I reconnected with my own inner child, I knew that my dream is to be an artist. I am an artist, and still, that feels difficult to say to people. "When will you get a proper job?" is a phrase I often hear. Believe me, I know that it will be a difficult path, but it will be my own path for me to carve out how I please, and that's all that matters.

So, I've been a busy bee behind the scenes for the last few months, bringing a passion project of mine alive that I never thought would see the light of day. And now I'm giving it to you, a small piece of myself, hoping that strangers on the internet will be kind.

Studio Vee was born because I've grown exhausted of trying to fit myself into a box that I never asked for. As a non-binary and queer creative, I never truly felt like I fit in anyway, and I'm learning to find comfort in that in all aspects of my life.

For me, this has been as much of a mindset journey as it has been a career one, and this is only the first step. I hope that you'll join me for the rest of this journey. The support that I've received so far only gives me more courage and strength to keep pursuing this dream, even if a part of me still thinks it's silly.

What did you want to be when you were little?